What follows is the letter that I will never be able to write to my brother-in-law. It is uncensored and not intended for familial consumption (mine, specifically).
Dear Brother In Law,
I am so angry with you right now that I can barely see straight. Your brother, your YOUNGER brother, to be more specific, has done, continues to do and always will do every single thing that he can do to be positive, life affirming and loving with you. He wants to share every opportunity for success with you. He wants you to be happy. He would give you the shirt off his back and jump off a cliff for you, if that's what it took.
You have both had a hard road, but your brother has been constantly working on self improvement since before I met him, 15+ years ago. He has struggled with his rage, his ADHD, his self sabotage, his protective mechanisms that keep him from loving fully and being vulnerable. All through this, though, he has focused on what he can do to make his life happier and better. AND, he has attempted to include you, even when you weren't sober, every step of the way.
Now, your brother isn't one to reveal his struggles to you because he wants you to have SOME model of what "normal" looks like, because god knows that's nobody in your family. He wants you to have something to strive for, even though he is full of self loathing at times, though you'd never know it. He talks too much about his workout or his progress on starting a business... he's irritating with his talk about positivity and changing your "state". Believe me, there are times I wish I could change HIS state - and I mean that geographically!
However, when he opened up to you about being sober for 30 days and you acted like that was insignificant because he wasn't drinking a 5th of vodka a day, you made a terrible mistake. Your brother has ALWAYS supported you - even when you went to jail for being a drunk and spending $30,000 that wasn't yours, he had your back. Now, he opens up to you about a challenge that he's been facing, a problem that he's been having, and you act like that's insignificant??? OH, the gloves are off, man.
If you could get your head out of your ass for 2 seconds and see how much your brother needs your love, affirmation and support, it would be a miracle. He's always encouraging you, telling you that you can reach your goals, telling you that you're a good person. Do you think you could do that for him? Do you think for just a minute that you could see beyond your own selfish nose and realize that your brother needs you to tell him that HE is an awesome guy, that HE is amazing, that HE is an incredible, talented, loving person??? THOSE are things he needs to hear. Sure, he sounds cocky sometimes, but that's because the only person in his family who tells him he's wonderful is HIMSELF.
I know you guys didn't get a mother, and certainly got a shitty father, but your brother has taught himself what things are supposed to look and feel like in a family. He's discovered what normal is and that family members are supportive of each other, and he's shown you that time and time and TIME again. Will you ever learn that lesson yourself? He's the younger brother. It would be phenomenal for him to have someone who supported HIM for once. Someone that HE could look up to.
Will that ever happen? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Thanks for the pain,
Your Sister-in-law
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