Probably the most important, and at this particular time, the most challenging, relationship is the one I have with my husband.
We have known each other 15 years. We've been married for just over 8 of those years. There are times when I think that I couldn't live my life without him. And then there are times when I wonder why on earth we stay together.
If ever a relationship had a soundtrack, this one would be a doozy.
We go together cuz Opposites Attract...
We have spent more than 8 years going to marriage counseling together - we started before we got married because it seemed very prudent to do so. His background is completely different from mine. He grew up poor - country poor - in a southern state, with an alcoholic, abusive father and a mother who left him and his older brother before he was a year old. He was taken care of by his grandmother who molested both him and his brother. So, to say that he needed some help in the significant relationship department would be a fast understatement. Abandonment issues? check. Women issues? check Alcohol issues? check. Add ADHD in its truest form, and anxiety that would make your hair stand on end, and you've got a pretty good idea.
Then there's me. Comparatively speaking, I grew up with the perfect life... until you dig a little bit. While it's true that my parents have certainly had the best interests of me and my sister at heart, they are not without their own set of pre-existing conditions! My mother grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father (sound familiar?). Lots of anxiety and control issues. At this point in her life, she is practically OCD, and that's not an exagerration. My father grew up with an absentee father and a mentally ill mother who died when he was 19. He is also a classic, undiagnosed ADHD sufferer.
Seriously, how subconsciously easily did I set upon marrying an amalgam of both my parents???
I've got abandonment issues - having a sister born when you are 9 and the only child is not without its perils. My dad worked A LOT - he had a full time shift job and a 2nd business and often a 3rd job. He missed a lot of the frequent, all-encompassing screaming matches that my mother and I would have through my double digit years before my self imposed exile to college. I tend to be serious, but I like smart humor. I am sarcastic and will pull no punches if pushed. I'm really smart, and sometimes, that doesn't work out so well for me. I never had a boyfriend in high school or college. I never knew anybody that actually "liked me, liked me" until I started to go to the clubs when I got out of college. And then, I didn't like them back. I guess I qualify as a late bloomer...
In our relationship, I like to be quiet and focused. He's the party guy. I'm the detail person. He sees the big picture. Introvert/extrovert. (ISFJ & ENFP, I mean REALLY?) And yet, here we are.
You and Me against the World. Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world...
I think there are specific reasons that people seek out their opposite characteristics in significant others. Balance, challenge, growth, understanding...
When I got to know my future husband better, I realized that he had never known what it was like to have someone love him unconditionally. He has a good heart and good intentions, but it was buried deep beneath his fears of rejection. I realized over the years that my mission in this lifetime is to help him feel that he will always be loved and that I will never leave him.
Conversely, while I have serious abandonment issues myself, I struggle with his anxiety and need to flee bad situations. I try to keep in mind that his flight isn't personal to me... and sometimes I'm successful. I have a horrible affliction of thinking that I'm always right, and that stands in the way of understanding a fair bit of the time.
The one thing we do have in common is that we are both dedicated to improving ourselves mentally, emotionally, physically... we both go to hypnosis (the best thing I have ever done ever in my whole life and worthy of many posts to come), and between that, marriage counseling and learning Imago, we certainly give our relationship a lot of tools to work with.
I had a romantic wish, and it actually came true in a card my husband gave me last year... one of my favorite romantic songs is Orleans' Still the One... We're still having fun, and you're still the one. I love that song and everything that it says. I always wanted someone to think of that song, and think of me. It doesn't promise perfect, but it speaks to the lightness (oh, the challenge to the serious person!) that's possible in a relationship and the willingness to stay together...come what may. Which leads to Moulin Rouge's Come What May - I will love you...until my dying day. Two songs as dissimilar as possible, and yet speaking to the same truth. Love can be forever. Love can last. Nobody said it would be easy (or that you wouldn't die of consumption in the process), but it's possible to forge a successful and happy relationship for the long term.
We've been together since way back when
Sometimes I never want to see you again
But I want you to know, after all these years
You're still the one I want whisperin' in my ear
You're still the one I want to talk to in bed
Still the one that turns my head
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
I looked at your face every day
But I never saw it 'til I went away
When winter came, I just wanted to go
Deep in the desert, I longed for the snow
You're still the one that makes me laugh
Still the one that's my better half
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one that makes me strong
Still the one I want to take along
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
Changing, our love is going gold
Even though we grow old, it grows new
You're still the one that I love to touch
Still the one and I can't get enough
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one who can scratch my itch
Still the one and I wouldn't switch
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You are still the one that makes me shout
Still the one that I dream about
We're still having fun, and you're still the one...
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